How To Work And Deal With Young Children
As A Parent & A Teacher
by Amtul Suhail, Education/Training
Director, Feb. 2007
A big part of teaching and parenting entails helping children make it through when they feel inadequate. It happens with all children as well as adults. Some times you fix the weakness by pursuing strengths and building a good relationship. If you develop a loving and caring relationship with your children, whatever approach you take will be more effective. The key to developing successful parenting skills is to teach appropriate behavior, redirect inappropriate behavior, send clear messages, and do not feel guilty about your decision.
In today’s busy
world, it’s important to make sure that parents set aside time to
talk to their children. That doesn't mean you have to hold a
formal meeting with them.
Sometimes the
best discussions take place while you're driving in the car or
working in the kitchen preparing dinner. Always be willing to
listen to them. Children will talk to you if they know you're
going to listen – whether they discuss heavy issues such as sex
and drugs, or everyday things like school work. Many children find
it hard to talk to their parents about the topics that really
matter. Parents have to pay special attention to what their
children may be trying to say. It helps to pay particular
attention to emotions – not just the emotion itself, but its
intensity, too.
Few things
please children (or anybody else) more than being asked their
opinion.
You don't have
to ask about important issues all the time, either. Most of the
children I worked with mentioned that when they talk to their
parents sometimes their parents do not give them enough chance to
explain or clarify the situation. One child told me that my mom
did not let me complete one sentence before she threw her decision
on me. It's a good idea to give your children some extra time to
explain their opinions or desires, even if you think you know what
they're going to say.
Most of the
educators and psychologists agree that there are some KEY words
and phrases to be used with your children on a regular basis.
These words and phrases instill confidence, self-respect, and
thoughtfulness in your children as well as enhance their Self-
Esteem.
Be Polite
and Say Please & Thank you. After all these years, "please”
and “thank you” are still the magic words. When we ask a
favor from anyone – including children – these two “magic
words" acknowledge that we are asking for a behavior that will
help us in many different ways. Always remember to say "thank
you" when the job is done.
Please and
thank you are two simple words, creating a wonderful peace loving
environment in your home. It's important that parents acknowledge
their child’s efforts of helping them or others. You must make
sure that acknowledgement and validations are complete and
meaningful. You might say: "Thanks for helping me fold the
laundry" or "Thanks for cleaning the table; it was a great
help. I was able to finish the dishes”.
Be An Active
Listener: Use the phrase “Tell me more”, “I am
listening to you” Words like this show your child that you
are actually listening and that you would like to hear more about
what's on his/ her mind. “Tell me more” encourages
conversation and help you avoid passing judgment or giving
immediate advice. Being an active listener helps your child to
open up to you.
Lets Try If
You Can Do It. This expression instills the confidence in
your child and develops the ability to do many tasks
independently. As your child grows older; there will be many times
when your encouragement will mean the difference between his
giving up on a challenging task and seeing it through. Make sure
that you let your child know you are willing and available to help
him/her accomplish a particular task that may be difficult for
him/her to manage on their own. As your child is assigned to
complete school projects, encourage and help them to think of
specific steps that are necessary to complete a project. If you
know that your child will need help, you both can work together to
decide which tasks your child can handle on his/her own and which
ones she'll need help with. A child is never too young to learn
that cooperation and team effort make many jobs easier and
speedier – and often more fun. You might say: "I think you can
complete the project by yourself now. Let me know if you need my
help at any stage."
Give Strokes
and Affirmations. Many adults in our society were raised
without receiving many positive strokes, verbal or nonverbal.
Because it is not the part of their experience, they tend not to
give positive strokes to their children. However it is not
difficult to start a practice that in turn helps children to boost
their self esteem. Strokes can be touch, words, eye contact,
facial expressions or any other form of recognition.
Related to strokes, affirmations give messages that validate the
person as an individual who has needs and rights. Affirmations
are positive messages about expectations. They encourage the child
to be who he or she is. We always tell our children that we love
them but often forget to show them by our actions. Don’t just tell
your child you love him/her – show them. Research indicates that
young children deprived of physical touch and displays of
affection often fail to thrive. As children grow older, they vary
in the ways they like us to show affection. Some love to be
cuddled, while others prefer a quick hug or pat on the shoulder.
It's important to be aware of what your child enjoys most at a
particular age.
I Messages.
Send “I messages” versus “you message.” Accept their
feelings by saying “I understand you are angry, how can I help
you?” An important aspect of parenting is to help your child
recognize, accept, identify, label, integrate, express, and cope
with their feelings and emotions. Everyone needs love and
affection and a feeling of acceptance and belonging. Tell your
children, “I love you.” We can't assume that children know
and understand our love for them unless we tell them. Letting your
children know that you love them and showing them is important not
only in infancy and toddler hood, but also as they get older.
Everyone needs love and affection and a feeling of acceptance and
belonging.
You Should
Be Proud Of Yourself. Self-respect and self-confidence grow
when your child's efforts and performance are rewarded. Whenever
possible, give your child lots of praise. Be sure your praise is
honest and specific. Always focus on your child's efforts and
progress, and help them identify their strengths. Empty praises
such as saying “good Job” are unhealthy. Instead you can say,
“I saw that you made your bed this morning, good job. You should
be so proud of yourself.” Avoid saying, “I am so proud of
you.” With this approach children become people pleasers and
always try to do the tasks to make other people happy.
Avoid Time
Out, Instead Use Time In. Young children need structure in
their daily lives to provide a measure of security in an often
insecure world. It is up to you as a parent to establish and
maintain a workable schedule of activities, always remembering
that children benefit from predictable and regular mealtimes and
bedtimes. Avoid punishing your child because that leaves
emotional scars. Setting limits paves the way for your child to
develop a sense of self-control.
Sometimes a
"time-in" period is necessary if your limits have been reached
and your child isn't responding to the verbal message you are
trying to send. Time In period is when you sit down with your
child to explain the expectations and the consequences of meeting
or not meeting the desired expectations. Consequences can be
positive or negative. For example if they finish their homework
earlier they can play out side for 10 extra minutes, or can watch
a movie on weeknights. Time In must not be used as a “threat.”
Avoid starting the sentence with “If”…instead use “When”
you finish your homework …
Be A Role
Model. Your response to problems that arise in daily life, at
home, or at work provides a model of behavior for your child.
Considering alternative ways of behaving in difficult situations
is one of the steps of problem solving – an important skill that
is useful throughout life. Communicating with your child involves
more than the words and phrases you use. What you are saying will
be more effective if you know how to say it.
Your delivery
of words will make a world of a difference. We must avoid the
following when communicating with children.
-
Avoid angry
tone of voice
-
Avoid raising
your voice
-
Avoid to
discipline in public
-
Avoid
threatening approach
-
Avoid empty
praises
The article
is written by Amtul Suhail, Education/ Training Director
at America Ed Learning Center, San
Jose. She is also the Dean and Instructor of Early Childhood
Education Department at California
College of Communications, SanJose, CA
Resources consulted:
Dr T.Bary Brazelton, Best Seller Touch Points;
Janet Gonzalez Mena, Author of The Young Child in the
Family and the Community;
California Children and Families Commission
http://life.familyeducation.com
